Wouldn’t it be best for each of us to get individual counseling first and deal with our personal issues before we start working on the relationship?

I get this question or hear a similar statement at least weekly and to be honest my answer is yes and no.

As a marital therapist I actually default to “No” as my initial response.  As a systemic marital and family therapist I tend to see individual issues as a part of the whole of the relationship.  Individuals are playing their role in the less than ideal pattern of interaction that got them in my office.  Sometimes their role/part of the pattern is to display anger, or depression, or to withdraw or any number of behaviors.  I initially think in terms of helping both partners find new ways to react and behave.  To choose a new pattern together as opposed to each seeing a separate therapist and choosing new behaviors separately.  In fact some research suggests that individual therapy actually increases the chance of divorce.  I wonder if this choosing new patterns/behaviors individually, verses cooperatively, is part of the problem with individual therapy for relationship issues.

I believe that “yes” can be an appropriate choice as well.  Sometimes, individuals do need to deal with individual isssues that exagerate their responses.  If a family of origin, or anger, or depression issue contributes to the problem then it may need to be dealt with individually.  However, I then revert back to my intial idea of joint work coming first.  I think it is best to make the decision for inidvidual sessions in the context of joint therapy.

It bothers me when parents present with a hands off attitude towards their kids life.  Numerous articles and research, site how increased involvement and even what some perceive to be  over involvement in a child’s life results in a greater likelihood of success in a number or areas.  This articles suggest education is one of those areas.