My wife and I were at a ministries retreat this weekend. One of the attendees discovered that I was a Christian counselor and asked me some variation of the question I used to title this post. I must admit that I struggle mightily with this question. I also admit that I have two hats I put on when I consider the options. One is the therapist hat. I have to deal with people where they are. If they are divorced and remarried, I help them make this marriage as healthy as possible. If they are married and contemplating divorce, I let them know that I am all for saving marriage, in fact that’s one of the primary reasons I became a therapist. But, I also have an ethical and legal neutrality I must maintain. I cannot, as a therapist, exert any decision making authority in my clients life. The decision to divorce or not to divorce has to be their’s alone. I will certainly help them look at the pro’s and cons, including the biblical issues. But in the end, it is their decision.

The other hat I have is what I use in my personal life. I am very much of the school that says “Don’t take chances, with even the littlest things that could effect your eternity.” So in my marriage, divorce is not even an option. The way I see it, the best way to deal with the question is to take the questions relevance off the table completely. I’m not saying stay in a miserable marriage by the grit of you teeth. Tough it out, with an implied “…for the rest of your life”, is not a road to healthy relationships, mental health, stable families or spiritual maturity. However, tough it out, with a goal of making things better, can be a decision the leads to great joy. The ideal is to do the work, and often it’s hard work, to have a great marriage. Then in your own marriage, the question is not likely to have any relevance.

When I began working as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I was an Air Force husband living in Wichita Falls, Texas. I drove about an hour north and worked in Lawton, OK. Lawton has Fort Sill, an Army post, as it’s primary economic and social force. So here I am, an Air Force spouse, working with a lot of clients who are connected to the Army. Ironically, I came from Tulsa, one of the larger metropolitan areas in the U.S.A. without any history of an active duty military base.

Now that I am back in Tulsa, I am surprised how many military families occupy my practice. It probably helps that I am one of the few Tricare providers in the area. Something for which I can thank my time in Lawton. However, with the transition to depending more and more on Reserve and National Guard troops, I am seeing a number of military related clients.

That’s a long introduction to the article that got me to thinking about this topic. It’s true that a military spouse has to make significant sacrifice in their careers, education and many other areas. When my wife initially looked at joining the Air Force, I myself thought I would be dealing with some of the same issues. I was fortunate that a number of these concerns were taken care of before her active duty service began. However, there are a number of issues with which military couples must cope. I must admit that many of those issues contributed to my urging my wife to return to civilian life.

Checkout this link and scroll down to the article on Military vs. Marriages to get an insiders perspective on the topic.

I’m helping with a marriage retreat at our church in a couple of weeks.  In the past I’ve done a lot of seminars or retreat presentations on communication or problems solving.  I really wanted to do something different this time.  It is true that poor communication and problem solving can seriously erode the sense of connection in a relationship.  Thus my previous presentations.  However, rebuilding that sense of connection is important also.  Thus we will be presenting on fun, friendship, sensuality/sexuality and spirituality.  Many couples forget that these were the things that really helped them grow closer together early in their relationship and in their marriage.  But life gets away with us and we forget to do those things as we get settled into the relationship.   Hopefully this retreat will serve as just such a reminder.

I read this in an email I get regularly from the Smartmarriages organization. It will likely change, at least subtly, some of the things I encourage couples to do with their time together. It suggests that couples do new and exciting things together and not just stick to the things they’ve always done. Link

I heard about this firm recently. I have to respect a divorce lawyer who wants you to consider reconciliation. Check out this page on their site.

Link

I thought I’d explain why I chose the picture I have as a header on my main sites home page.

When my oldest son was about four years old, he and I were riding together when a shaft of light broke through the otherwise cloudy sky.  It was a magnificent sight.  My son saw this and said “Look, there’s God”.  I immediately felt a need to correct this serious theological mistake.  Fully intending to explain how this was a meteorological event and how we cannot see God.  The dissertation would likely reference Exodus and how Moses was not allowed to see God directly, as well as conversations about worshiping not the created but the creator.

Then the Holy Spirit slapped me square in the brain.   The message was something similar to “You idiot, your son just saw something truly inspiring and his first thought was of God.  Don’t throw a wet blanket on it.”

I still felt a need to not let my son think that was actually God so I mentioned how it truly does remind us of God.

However, I sat in awe of two things.  My son was reminded of God when he saw this sight, and I was not.

Recent events near me, though not directly effecting me, have caused me to think about crisis and it’s effect on marriage and families. There is old wisdom that says that crisis either causes us to grow stronger or weaker. It either strengthens relationships or weakens them. We get closer to God or further away. This rings true. Those I have seen have chosen to grow stronger. The thing I think is significant is they have chosen to be strong. In many situations that is the important factor. How have you Chosen to react.