One of my colleagues, Timothy Doty Psy.D., recently tweeted about this article. I must admit that I’ve noted this kind of shallow faith with teens (and Adults) for some time. Irony is, the articles stated motivation of, God as therapist, isn’t so far off. God is the true source of healthy self esteem. However, feeling good isn’t always his ultimate goal. Sometimes good things come from suffering, not a popular message, but one we see throughout scripture and history.

It is not uncommon to be asked, if I ever think that some marriages just aren’t worth saving. The question comes in a variety of forms. Maybe its the idea that, some people just aren’t the right match, or, wouldn’t the kids be better off if the parents divorced rather than continued with their pattern of conflict. Some have suggested that we’re just not happy and as such we should go our separate ways.

The fact is, research on these ideas, suggests that saving marriages is generally best for all involved. Couples who weather hard times and stay together, tend to be more satisfied five years later than those who divorce. This is true for them as a couple and as individuals. Kids tend to function better in intact families than divorced. Part of the reason is that, often, divorced couples don’t tend to give up the patterns of conflict they had while together. So now the kids have parents who continue their conflict, except, now they fight mostly about the kids and custody, and they use the kids to manipulate, coerce and punish their ex. I would suggest that this is the worse of two evils. Some of the best research on these things can be seen at sites like smartmarriages.com
and the research and reference portion of prepinc.com

All the above ways of thinking, tends to be based on an assumption that there are two choices. Continue our current pattern or go our separate ways. There is a third option, stay together and learn to deal with your problems in a better way. It takes work, usually hard work, but the results are worth it.

Back to the original question. As a general rule, I am pro marriage. I specifically got into the marriage therapy business in order to help people save and thrive in their marriages. I don’t think I’d be inclined to go to a therapist who has a truly neutral stance on the value of marriage. This isn’t to say that I make decisions for my clients. It is their decision to make. However, I am honest with them about my pro marriage stance.

10) While walking to the monorail, youngest was talking a mile a minute. Something like this. “I can’t wait for the chance to go on that ride again, and then we can have a…OOH LIZARD”

9) Oldest bought a shirt that says, “I’m Grumpy because your Dopey.”

8)During a typical sibling fight, I asked “What’s the problem?”
Youngest: He’s angry at me for no reason.
Oldest: No I’m not.
Youngest: Yes, he is.
Oldest: Well, now I am.

7) On a T-Shirt, under a picture of a Mickey Ear Hat was the statement, “Just because I have ears doesn’t mean I’m listening.” We bought the shirt for my youngest.

6) The strength of a nation derives from the home. -Confucius
Seen at China pavilion at Epcot

5) “Please stand clear of the door. Por favor mantengase alejado de las puertas.” Which I would lip sync, in a mildly exaggerated manner, every time we were on the monorail.

4) “It’s a small world after all” Repeated 20,000 times.

3)”Righteous, Righteous, Righteous” Youngest, on Big Thunder Mountain. He’d been a bit hesitant about riding it.

2)”We’re over at the big dome thing.” By a random woman who was referring to the Geodesic Sphere that is the center piece of Epcot.

1)On the Monorail-
Dad: Where are we going?
3yr old daughter: Magic Kingdom
Dad: Who are we going to see?
Daughter: Magic People

So we’ve decided to do our family vacation in Disney World.  Big Surprise right.  Got back from the marathon weekend and the boys were jealous, so we decided to go back for our family vacation this year.  Now my Disney Addiction is kicking in big time.

I just got back from participating in the Disney World Marathon.  I did the half marathon with my wife and then she also did the full marathon the next day. What she did is called the Goofy challenge and as I’ve said for most of the last year, it is well named. We had a great time despite the miserably cold weather.

While there, the enthusiasm I have for Disney was stirred up again.  I can’t say that I ever let it completely settle.  I just cherish my time there. It is tailor made for some particular nerve I have.  I realize that Disney is not for everyone, but it is for me.

I have memories there, lot’s of memories.  The first time my youngest drank Beverly at Club Cool in Epcot.  His hysterical laughs on the rides he was initially afraid of.  My oldest son’s excitement as we waited to enter Animal Kingdom.  Meals at Whispering Canyon when I asked for some ketchup.  Dinner with my wife on top of the Contemporary Resort, while watching the fireworks.

These are times I will always cherish. Times of bonding with my family that will be part of our story for the rest of our lives.

In many ways this sounds like a great idea.  Seinfeld wants to have a show in which couples argue in the presence of a comedian, who acts as a ref.  In reality, one of the best tools healthy couples often use, to deescalate conflict, is a sense of humor.  A sense of humor is a great tool for managing stress, as well as a great way to introduce some really creative problem solving ideas.  I agree that at times the wrong sense of humor can be damaging. Biting sarcastic humor can cut to the core. However, playful gentle humor may be one of the most effective resources, a couple can use, to calm tense times.  It can also be a wonderful tool for creating fun and intimacy when things are going well.

Check out this article about Seinfeld’s idea.

At first you laugh and then you cry.  I hope the couples I work with can someday celebrate their partners imperfections.

This comic strip says so much.  I think it fits for families as well.  There is a reason families are not committees.

I stole the statement that “parents are to be Benevolent Dictators” a long time ago. Parents are in charge of the family, as they follow the leadership of God.

Parents tend to struggle with the seemingly oxymoronical terms, “Benevolent”, and, “Dictator.”  Their common usage today, does seem to be contradictory. So parents often focus on just one of the words.  Benevolent, to the point of permissiveness. Too much understanding and not enough structure.  Or, as dictators,they have the iron fist without any love or compassion.  The third and possibly most dangerous pattern involves vacillation between the two terms creating a chaotic family.  These terms only work when the person(s) in charge, the dictator(s), are putting the needs of the ones being led, ahead of their own needs.  Thus benevolence.

Amazing how that sounds like the leadership model advocated by Christ.

Of all the characteristics that make Christian Counseling unique, I believe that forgiveness has to be near the top of the list.  Christian counselors have been talking about forgiveness for a long time, well before our secular counterparts considered the idea.  Now, the concept of forgiveness is valued, both in the Christian and secular worlds.  However, I still think Christian counselors have a leg up.  Why, because Christianity is all about forgiveness.  We are in relationship with the Creator of all things because he is willing to forgive us and he expects us to do likewise.  His forgiveness heals the relationship harmed by our sin.  Our willingness to forgive can heal our relationships, even the relationship with self.

I spent yesterday on airplanes.  I was escorting my son and friend of his to a Young Leadership Conference in Boston yesterday.  Then immediately got back on a flight back home.  I took the opportunity to look at some of my favorite scenes from “The Incredibles” while on one of those flights.  The family themes remain so strong for me.  Some really great insight into the dynamics of many marriage and family relationships.  I know, I’m a bit biased but, I still think it is the greatest movie ever made.  I can still watch it time after time and thoroughly enjoy every minute.