It is not uncommon to be asked, if I ever think that some marriages just aren’t worth saving. The question comes in a variety of forms. Maybe its the idea that, some people just aren’t the right match, or, wouldn’t the kids be better off if the parents divorced rather than continued with their pattern of conflict. Some have suggested that we’re just not happy and as such we should go our separate ways.

The fact is, research on these ideas, suggests that saving marriages is generally best for all involved. Couples who weather hard times and stay together, tend to be more satisfied five years later than those who divorce. This is true for them as a couple and as individuals. Kids tend to function better in intact families than divorced. Part of the reason is that, often, divorced couples don’t tend to give up the patterns of conflict they had while together. So now the kids have parents who continue their conflict, except, now they fight mostly about the kids and custody, and they use the kids to manipulate, coerce and punish their ex. I would suggest that this is the worse of two evils. Some of the best research on these things can be seen at sites like smartmarriages.com
and the research and reference portion of prepinc.com

All the above ways of thinking, tends to be based on an assumption that there are two choices. Continue our current pattern or go our separate ways. There is a third option, stay together and learn to deal with your problems in a better way. It takes work, usually hard work, but the results are worth it.

Back to the original question. As a general rule, I am pro marriage. I specifically got into the marriage therapy business in order to help people save and thrive in their marriages. I don’t think I’d be inclined to go to a therapist who has a truly neutral stance on the value of marriage. This isn’t to say that I make decisions for my clients. It is their decision to make. However, I am honest with them about my pro marriage stance.

I’ve been gleaning more information on marriage, and I have come to a new realization in the last year or so.  Previously I had thought that prevention of harmful communication was the holy grail of marital therapy.  Okay, that is a bit overstated.  However, I did tend to focus on communication, a bit excessively.  I still think that communication and problem solving in a healthy manner is a vital focus for many of the couples I see.  However, I’ve been paying attention to some of the things that John Gottman Ph.D. has been saying.  According to him, the quality of connection or friendship in a relationship is very important. It is vital in determining the receptiveness of one partner to efforts of the other, to stop and/or heal from episodes of caustic communication.  So now, while I will often begin with a focus on communication, I will usually also give some focus how to improve the friendship, playfulness and emotional connection.  I find it useful to enhance, even to enable the use of communication skills as stated above.  I also find that clients who come to therapy, typically don’t come for communications skill, even if they come in with that as the stated goal.  Couples come in because they are at risk of losing something very important to them, the friendship with their spouse.

Will be in the water pretty soon.  Wife and I taking 20 year anniversary trip to Kauai.  Could only hope this kind of thing would happen while we are diving.

Went scuba diving… dolphins swam by from Steve on Vimeo.

So we’ve decided to do our family vacation in Disney World.  Big Surprise right.  Got back from the marathon weekend and the boys were jealous, so we decided to go back for our family vacation this year.  Now my Disney Addiction is kicking in big time.

I just got back from participating in the Disney World Marathon.  I did the half marathon with my wife and then she also did the full marathon the next day. What she did is called the Goofy challenge and as I’ve said for most of the last year, it is well named. We had a great time despite the miserably cold weather.

While there, the enthusiasm I have for Disney was stirred up again.  I can’t say that I ever let it completely settle.  I just cherish my time there. It is tailor made for some particular nerve I have.  I realize that Disney is not for everyone, but it is for me.

I have memories there, lot’s of memories.  The first time my youngest drank Beverly at Club Cool in Epcot.  His hysterical laughs on the rides he was initially afraid of.  My oldest son’s excitement as we waited to enter Animal Kingdom.  Meals at Whispering Canyon when I asked for some ketchup.  Dinner with my wife on top of the Contemporary Resort, while watching the fireworks.

These are times I will always cherish. Times of bonding with my family that will be part of our story for the rest of our lives.

In all the research I’ve seen about what are danger signs in relationships, the tendency of one or both partners to withdraw or avoid the other is a big one.  I think the guy in this article is displaying some avoidance tendancies.

I’ve never watched more than 5 minutes at a time.  However, it’s been impossible for me to avoid the hoopla over this show.  But Jon has apparently pulled the plug on the show. Check it out here.  Frankly, I think Jon is onto something.  I honestly don’t know if his motivation is concern for the kids (I truly hope so) or a way to hurt Kate.  Unfortunately, figuring out how to hurt your, soon to be ex, is way to common in divorces.  People who normally would be seen as decent, caring individuals will often do some of the most out of character, vicious things in the midst of a divorce.  In this situation, I have to think it is the best choice for these kids.  No matter what the motivation.

At first you laugh and then you cry.  I hope the couples I work with can someday celebrate their partners imperfections.

This comic strip says so much.  I think it fits for families as well.  There is a reason families are not committees.

I stole the statement that “parents are to be Benevolent Dictators” a long time ago. Parents are in charge of the family, as they follow the leadership of God.

Parents tend to struggle with the seemingly oxymoronical terms, “Benevolent”, and, “Dictator.”  Their common usage today, does seem to be contradictory. So parents often focus on just one of the words.  Benevolent, to the point of permissiveness. Too much understanding and not enough structure.  Or, as dictators,they have the iron fist without any love or compassion.  The third and possibly most dangerous pattern involves vacillation between the two terms creating a chaotic family.  These terms only work when the person(s) in charge, the dictator(s), are putting the needs of the ones being led, ahead of their own needs.  Thus benevolence.

Amazing how that sounds like the leadership model advocated by Christ.

The article titled Praying for spouse benefits marriage has some wonderful points.  I would summarize one of its points by saying its hard to pray for someone and maintain a negative, resentful attitude towards them.  One of the unintended consequences (they are not all bad) of prayer is the heart change made in the one doing the praying.  Of course the one without intention in this situation would be the person praying not God.  It is hard to come before the King of Kings in anything but an attitude of humility.  That humility is always a good thing, whether in aproaching God or dealing with our spouse.