It is not uncommon to be asked, if I ever think that some marriages just aren’t worth saving. The question comes in a variety of forms. Maybe its the idea that, some people just aren’t the right match, or, wouldn’t the kids be better off if the parents divorced rather than continued with their pattern of conflict. Some have suggested that we’re just not happy and as such we should go our separate ways.

The fact is, research on these ideas, suggests that saving marriages is generally best for all involved. Couples who weather hard times and stay together, tend to be more satisfied five years later than those who divorce. This is true for them as a couple and as individuals. Kids tend to function better in intact families than divorced. Part of the reason is that, often, divorced couples don’t tend to give up the patterns of conflict they had while together. So now the kids have parents who continue their conflict, except, now they fight mostly about the kids and custody, and they use the kids to manipulate, coerce and punish their ex. I would suggest that this is the worse of two evils. Some of the best research on these things can be seen at sites like smartmarriages.com
and the research and reference portion of prepinc.com

All the above ways of thinking, tends to be based on an assumption that there are two choices. Continue our current pattern or go our separate ways. There is a third option, stay together and learn to deal with your problems in a better way. It takes work, usually hard work, but the results are worth it.

Back to the original question. As a general rule, I am pro marriage. I specifically got into the marriage therapy business in order to help people save and thrive in their marriages. I don’t think I’d be inclined to go to a therapist who has a truly neutral stance on the value of marriage. This isn’t to say that I make decisions for my clients. It is their decision to make. However, I am honest with them about my pro marriage stance.

I think this is a reprint of something from a few years back but it is still good.  Check out the Obituary of Common Sense.

I joined Twitter and Facebook almost a year ago, with much reluctance. As a marital and family therapist I had seen a lot of damage done to relationships and individuals though social networking.  I admit, I got a very skewed perspective. This article helps me to see that good does come from these tools.

Crowdsourced effort seeks to save 4-year-old’s life

Yesterday at our staff meeting, one of my colleagues showed a video of how quickly the internet and modern day electronics have taken hold in our society.  Social networking is a significant, some would say vital, part of our world.  Now we see people showing signs of withdrawal if denied access to these resources.  This article describes college students who are experiencing anxiety, misery, jitters etc. from being denied access.  It is a new world.  I admit, I love enjoy my computer, Iphone and Ipod.  I really want an Ipad.  But, I don’t “need” it.  Today, especially the generation of my children, think they “need” these devices.  Let’s be honest.  Teens today have no memory of a time that the internet didn’t exist.  Maybe we would benefit from some electronic sabbaticals.

I am an advocate for marriage for a number of reasons.  Among them is that it is good for kids from those marriages, it’s good for the health, both mental and physical of those who are married and because I know that God is pro marriage.  Add this to the list.  Healthy loving marriages help us to be better in so many areas of our life. Check out this commentary on Phil Mickelson’s marriage.

I honestly believe that a culture without spiritually informed values will be the perfect breeding ground for evil. I’ve done a bit of study in the area of apologetics and foundations for moral values.  I’m convinced that we must look to a higher power to educate us on the principals of right and wrong. I specifically choose a value system based on Jesus Christ, His life, and teachings as contained in the bible.  Agnosticism and atheism have no foundation on which to base any values. When you have no foundation, you end up with no values and/or narcissistic values.  This article is a good example of the natural consequences of a society with no eternal basis for it’s values.

Found this article via a post by Michelle Weiner-Davis on Facebook.  It’s full of idea’s I’ve often used with clients, plus several that I haven’t used, but likely will in the future.  In fact I may simply refer a number of my couples directly to this site.

I posted previously about this commercial and I finally found it.  I saw it once and told my wife how much I enjoyed it.  Her response was a definitive “Of course you do, it’s about you” or something similar.

Orlando Vaction commercial

I’ve never watched more than 5 minutes at a time.  However, it’s been impossible for me to avoid the hoopla over this show.  But Jon has apparently pulled the plug on the show. Check it out here.  Frankly, I think Jon is onto something.  I honestly don’t know if his motivation is concern for the kids (I truly hope so) or a way to hurt Kate.  Unfortunately, figuring out how to hurt your, soon to be ex, is way to common in divorces.  People who normally would be seen as decent, caring individuals will often do some of the most out of character, vicious things in the midst of a divorce.  In this situation, I have to think it is the best choice for these kids.  No matter what the motivation.

This will make you sit up and think. Dr. Joshua Coleman has tapped into something significant here.