EricClements.com

Christian Marriage and Family Therapist

More Reason to Wait

I am convinced that God is not just trying to make life hard when he gives us limits. He knows what is best for us. I believe that sexual intimacy is, created by God, to serve as a truly bonding experience. It can create such a strong connection, that, it should not be entered into lightly. I sincerely believe that people stay in unhealthy relationships, because they have been sexually intimate and the resulting bond is hard for them to overcome. On the other side, individuals who have been quite promiscuous, may have calloused this bonding process. Making it difficult for them to fully experience the joy and intimacy this bond could create, once they are married. It’s not that God is trying to control or limit us. God wants us to have what is best. Waiting helps us to experience the best, most complete bond. A bond/intimacy/connection reserved for marriage.

The research in this article seems to concur.

Marital Boredom

A very subtle but significant contributor to our divorce rate is boredom. Part of the problem is a society that demands entertainment, and another is that couples allow their marriages to go stale. I think the solution is two fold. First, recognize that life is not always a barrel of fun. We have struggles, we have difficulties, we have great times and sometimes we have times of bleh! Second, do something about it. remember what you used to do and research ideas of new things to do together. This article is a good place to start.

Teens becoming Fake Christians

One of my colleagues, Timothy Doty Psy.D., recently tweeted about this article. I must admit that I’ve noted this kind of shallow faith with teens (and Adults) for some time. Irony is, the articles stated motivation of, God as therapist, isn’t so far off. God is the true source of healthy self esteem. However, feeling good isn’t always his ultimate goal. Sometimes good things come from suffering, not a popular message, but one we see throughout scripture and history.

Pro Marriage

It is not uncommon to be asked, if I ever think that some marriages just aren’t worth saving. The question comes in a variety of forms. Maybe its the idea that, some people just aren’t the right match, or, wouldn’t the kids be better off if the parents divorced rather than continued with their pattern of conflict. Some have suggested that we’re just not happy and as such we should go our separate ways.

The fact is, research on these ideas, suggests that saving marriages is generally best for all involved. Couples who weather hard times and stay together, tend to be more satisfied five years later than those who divorce. This is true for them as a couple and as individuals. Kids tend to function better in intact families than divorced. Part of the reason is that, often, divorced couples don’t tend to give up the patterns of conflict they had while together. So now the kids have parents who continue their conflict, except, now they fight mostly about the kids and custody, and they use the kids to manipulate, coerce and punish their ex. I would suggest that this is the worse of two evils. Some of the best research on these things can be seen at sites like smartmarriages.com
and the research and reference portion of prepinc.com

All the above ways of thinking, tends to be based on an assumption that there are two choices. Continue our current pattern or go our separate ways. There is a third option, stay together and learn to deal with your problems in a better way. It takes work, usually hard work, but the results are worth it.

Back to the original question. As a general rule, I am pro marriage. I specifically got into the marriage therapy business in order to help people save and thrive in their marriages. I don’t think I’d be inclined to go to a therapist who has a truly neutral stance on the value of marriage. This isn’t to say that I make decisions for my clients. It is their decision to make. However, I am honest with them about my pro marriage stance.

The Value of Real Connection

I’ve been gleaning more information on marriage, and I have come to a new realization in the last year or so.  Previously I had thought that prevention of harmful communication was the holy grail of marital therapy.  Okay, that is a bit overstated.  However, I did tend to focus on communication, a bit excessively.  I still think that communication and problem solving in a healthy manner is a vital focus for many of the couples I see.  However, I’ve been paying attention to some of the things that John Gottman Ph.D. has been saying.  According to him, the quality of connection or friendship in a relationship is very important. It is vital in determining the receptiveness of one partner to efforts of the other, to stop and/or heal from episodes of caustic communication.  So now, while I will often begin with a focus on communication, I will usually also give some focus how to improve the friendship, playfulness and emotional connection.  I find it useful to enhance, even to enable the use of communication skills as stated above.  I also find that clients who come to therapy, typically don’t come for communications skill, even if they come in with that as the stated goal.  Couples come in because they are at risk of losing something very important to them, the friendship with their spouse.

Top 10 things heard/seen at recent Disney World Trip

10) While walking to the monorail, youngest was talking a mile a minute. Something like this. “I can’t wait for the chance to go on that ride again, and then we can have a…OOH LIZARD”

9) Oldest bought a shirt that says, “I’m Grumpy because your Dopey.”

8)During a typical sibling fight, I asked “What’s the problem?”
Youngest: He’s angry at me for no reason.
Oldest: No I’m not.
Youngest: Yes, he is.
Oldest: Well, now I am.

7) On a T-Shirt, under a picture of a Mickey Ear Hat was the statement, “Just because I have ears doesn’t mean I’m listening.” We bought the shirt for my youngest.

6) The strength of a nation derives from the home. -Confucius
Seen at China pavilion at Epcot

5) “Please stand clear of the door. Por favor mantengase alejado de las puertas.” Which I would lip sync, in a mildly exaggerated manner, every time we were on the monorail.

4) “It’s a small world after all” Repeated 20,000 times.

3)”Righteous, Righteous, Righteous” Youngest, on Big Thunder Mountain. He’d been a bit hesitant about riding it.

2)”We’re over at the big dome thing.” By a random woman who was referring to the Geodesic Sphere that is the center piece of Epcot.

1)On the Monorail-
Dad: Where are we going?
3yr old daughter: Magic Kingdom
Dad: Who are we going to see?
Daughter: Magic People

Internet Addiction

Yesterday at our staff meeting, one of my colleagues showed a video of how quickly the internet and modern day electronics have taken hold in our society.  Social networking is a significant, some would say vital, part of our world.  Now we see people showing signs of withdrawal if denied access to these resources.  This article describes college students who are experiencing anxiety, misery, jitters etc. from being denied access.  It is a new world.  I admit, I love enjoy my computer, Iphone and Ipod.  I really want an Ipad.  But, I don’t “need” it.  Today, especially the generation of my children, think they “need” these devices.  Let’s be honest.  Teens today have no memory of a time that the internet didn’t exist.  Maybe we would benefit from some electronic sabbaticals.

Of Golf and Marriage

I am an advocate for marriage for a number of reasons.  Among them is that it is good for kids from those marriages, it’s good for the health, both mental and physical of those who are married and because I know that God is pro marriage.  Add this to the list.  Healthy loving marriages help us to be better in so many areas of our life. Check out this commentary on Phil Mickelson’s marriage.